Myriad of Thoughts... » friendship

You could be…

christelle — Mon, 12 May 2008 03:17:43 +0000

…my silver springs… playing in the background….

It’s one of those days when random thoughts try to mar a perfect day….

I like this place – I didn’t expect myself to and now it’s leaving me a li’l disturbed (?). I miss home but I don’t call – If I do, I’d run out of things to say in a few mins…I don’t call friends each day – I miss them too!

There are things I do and things I don’t – not every thing’s right! That’s the hardest part I guess – to accept that the crappy part belongs to me, to know that I could say mean things, to know that I could mess up someone for life… to know that ‘sorry’ has a limited reach….
Time for me to stop, lest I say something I shouldn’t!

Note: Ya, am tempted to delete this post but then….I hit Publish!

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Time and rejection….

christelle — Thu, 14 Sep 2006 05:48:00 +0000

There was this soul on earth living within a cheerful lad. And even as everyone said he was so handsome and cheerful, his soul wasnt happy. No matter how much he tried, he could not lift his soul to a cheerful state. Even when he managed to be happy from within it lasted just for a little while before someone came along and bruised his soul.
Then one day, came a friend who tried to help him out. He refused to speak his heart out saying he didn’t want to depend on anyone. But she was patient and had her way. He got to speak about his worries, his troubles, and every little thing. And so, the days went by….his soul was getting happier and he was happy too.
One day, as usual, his soul was pondering over something…something that made him feel agitated and so he called his friend. But she was too busy this time and told him he should not be expecting her to be able to talk 24 hours a day….and so, the soul came back bruised and battered….struggling to trust again…struggling with that something that was agitating…and so he was…back to square one.
On that fateful day, he made a decision that he would not depend on anyone else…and his soul too decided not too open up and share the thoughts within, with anyone else….
so, the days went by…gloomy and gray for him and his soul. It was indeed quite painful for him to get over his friend and her untimely rejection…well, is there a timely rejection???

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I apologize

christelle — Sun, 27 Aug 2006 15:56:00 +0000

I apologize for the times I’ve given advice – unasked for
I apologize for the times I’ve misunderstood you – not giving you a chance to explain
I apologize for taking up your time – you could have spent it doing something better
I apologize for the times I have contacted you – when I don’t know what to do.
I apologize – for anything and everything

One more depressing start to a supposedly beautiful day – all because I messed up a friendship.
11AM, Sunday, August 27, 2006

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The Level of Friendship

christelle — Fri, 26 Nov 2004 13:00:00 +0000

Is there anyone without friends? I doubt it. As idealistic as it may seem, I think it is a fact that everyone’s got at least one person they would call a friend on earth. Only in the rarest of rare cases we night find someone who is left out all alone.

Also, there is a vast gap between the number of people we call friends and the number of people who “really” are our friends. This brings us to what caused me to start this in the first place…it is what I call the various levels in friendship. This is based on what I have seen so far in my life.

First, there are people who should not be called friends (in the strict sense of the word). I get to know a lot of people at work or elsewhere… I know them well enough to say a “hi” but nothing beyond that. I would not be sharing a lot about myself with such people…still I would be able to spend a lot of time with them laughing and joking, and most of the conversations would be at the superficial level. Many of them would not know more than, say, 5% about me. Most of my friends would be in this category. I would not share my deepest thoughts with them. I would not expect them to see the world from my perspective.

Then I have the colleagues and others with whom I may share a little more…often they would be people working with me at the same level, in at a closer range facilitating a lot of chit-chat….probably I would share some part of my life and get to know more about them as well. All the same, I would not be sharing my innermost secrets and thoughts. They would be along with me as long as I am around. But once our ways part, we would be loosing touch and that would be the end of that so-called “friendship”. Say for example, I had a friend in college. Even now if I go to college, am sure our lecturers would ask about her. Coz we were going around the place together all the time…we had a lot of things in common. But, think our way of looking at things, and life at large was different. Still it wasn’t an irritant at that time. Then we finished college and went to work in different places. And that was the end. I didn’t hear from her for a long time and then there was this mail from her about her getting married. Went for her wedding too…after that the silence returned. I’ve had a similar experience with a friend in my previous workplace. We were pretty good buddies in the sense that we would share all our work problems, sit together and make fun of everybody else, etc. we did have a wonderful time there. I thought it was a lasting friendship. But then, once I quit, communication failed. I used to call often, but then she never called back. When I call she would talk as if we had been talking every other day. But she would never take the initiative to call. First I thought I should not be egoistic but as time went by, I realized the hard way that I should stop and let her call. That was the end of that friendship and I do not expect it to revive in future. These are people with whom I have shared a good deal of my life, but all the same, I need to be prepared for the end of such a friendship.

The next category is the friends with whom the relationship seems real strong, as I would say anything to each other and we would talk about everything. They are the people I miss in my life. They came in to my life when I needed them and now are busy with their own lives. People who do not completely ignore nor can afford to find the time to keep in touch. These are people who could see the world the way I see it and understand why I say what am saying. I can expect them to give their honest opinions and also think, they would be honest with me too. But this does not mean, they would find all the time for me. This does not mean they would always be there when I need someone to help me out.

Finally, we have the rarest of the rare. The real treasure and most prized in my list of friends. They are people who would know a lot about me, they would be the ones who would share a lot with me as well. They are the ones I treasure and I would turn to when I need someone. They are the ones am proud to have on my list of friends, and this list is too short. There are very few who would be in this category, and the list isn’t very stable. The reason is that people who are in this category often move out to the previous category. That is one think that hurts and also leaves a question hanging in the air: “will anyone ever be as concerned as I am about my friends?”

There are people who seemed to have made it to this list only to fall out a few weeks or months later. There are people who seemed to share a lot with me and a few weeks or months later they would be trying to turn the conversation to an intimate level not fit for a good friendship. They would end up talking crap after some time, so they go out to my list of people with whom am disappointed. They are people who had hidden their real purpose for a long time. This category is what hits me hard. It is quite painful when I realize that I had been talking with my heart and soul to someone who wasn’t really tuned in or worse, was tuning in so that they could turn me to other topics.

For me, it seems as if having a good friend for life is one of the toughest things on earth. Yes, I started off with a disadvantage, coz I have no childhood buddies coz we were always moving from place to place. By the time I find a god friend, it would be time to move again. Yes, we were pen pals for a few years. But it didn’t last for long. Wonder if I would ever get a good pal, someone other than my hubby who would be my best friend on earth. I dare not be too optimistic about it, coz the last thing I want is to have my expectations fail yet again.

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A Farce

christelle — Tue, 12 Oct 2004 17:09:00 +0000

In spite of all the wonderful things said about friendship, am not all that sure if friendship could mean so much and more. There is so much said about friendship and most of it is be positive. But, going by a number of friendships I would say, it is not so positive at all. Most of the friendships are like contracts made for the convenience or to serve a particular purpose for one or the other. How many friends last over the long term? How many of them are concerned about the other?
There are a variety of friends I have had so far. And, regrettably, most of them haven’t lasted for more than a few years. I have no idea if there is anything wrong with the way I treat each friend or if I am expecting too much. The most painful thing is how the friendship disintegrates as days go by.
When I was in school, I never expected myself to have close friends. I wasn’t chatterbox, but I would be on good terms with everyone in my class. Once or twice I came close to making good friends, but just as we were getting to know each other it would be time for me to shift to another school and start all over again in a new place thanks to my dad’s job transfer.
In particular, there were these 2 friends of mine in Palayamkottai. We were there in the same class for 3 years, but only in the third year we became good friends. That summer was the first time I went around with friends. We went around to our friends’ homes and the nest day I fell sick. Dad said it was a heat stroke. This was in May 1994. That June we shifted to Tenkasi. Even after that we dint loose touch for a few years, coz we were writing mails all the time, the old-fashioned snail mail. But, after a few years, letters became less frequent and finally stopped forever.
I had a friend in the next school, but we weren’t all that close to each other. Yes, we were closer to each other than to the rest of the class, but it wasn’t the kind of friendship that would last for long. In fact, we became friends because we were the 2 tallest girls in class and just the 2 of us were in the last row. Once I shifted to Chennai we were writing for a while, and within a year that stopped.
In Chennai when I joined in the 11th standard, I was part of a gang of 10. Except myself, the rest of them were from the same school. Even though we were in different sections and had taken different majors (computer science, biology, commerce), we would always make it together for lunch. In the next year, I got a close friend from one among the group. The two of us had a lot of things common in the way we saw how things should be and the like. Both of us were in the school council and we used to walk home together. we went to different colleges and that was a time when we lost contact. But after 5 years, when she came back to Chennai, we got back in touch with each other. Though we are not really writing in everyday, I think she is one treasure of a friend.
In college, first we were a group of 4, then it became 3, and then 2. but after we finished college, I realized (with a sad heart) that even the one wasn’t for a long-term friendship. But in the loss of one, I gained another. We were not considered thick friends as long as we were in college. Now she is the first person to come to my mind, if I were to think of my college life.
Even after that, I’ve had a number of friends who would spend time with me as long as I am around. Once I shift to another place it is “out of sight and out of mind”.
Well, so far I at least had a reason. But, nowadays I cant find a single reason as to why people quit talking all of a sudden. It is an unsolved puzzle as to why people should mail or message me and then after a few weeks quit on me. The only thing that I have observed so far is that there are quite a number of guys who are seeking something more than friendship. Once they realize that I am not a person who would give them the sexy talk, they quit. But there are others who say they are busy these days. I wonder why they take the trouble of making friends if they are not going to have the time for friends. They would talk and chat as long as they have nothing better to do, which may be for a few weeks. Once they get busy at work or get occupied with other things, they wouldn’t bother to write in a single line. This would be from people who had written in saying they are looking for a long time friend.
As I sit here today, I feel friendship is just one of those umpteen things we come across in life. People would stay with me as long as they can see some use for this friendship. After that they would throw this friendship away and probably create a new one. Every so called friendship would last only for a while, and it would be nothing but a broken heart and disappointment if I were to expect anything more out of it.

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